just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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