You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
