Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
