I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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