Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
