Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
we made out on top of his cat.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
