There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
