Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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