I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Shame - the story of my life.
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