I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
