porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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