last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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