im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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