she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
