Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
