I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize