Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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