So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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