Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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