Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
