half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
