I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
