yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
