If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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