Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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