so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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