I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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