I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
