It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
