need another drink. this is the easiest way
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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