Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
