I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize