There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
