the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
