its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
