I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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