Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
