Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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