I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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