why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
