btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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