My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
