I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
