I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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