Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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