I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He passed out mid-signature
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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