Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I intend to get homeless drunk
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
