the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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