i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize