I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
