So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
