I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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