i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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