I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
