I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
