dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
