Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
