you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
