remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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