six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Your penis caused this!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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