I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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