I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
