Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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