I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
