I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize