another moral hangover. fuck.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
