So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize