In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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